Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Ugh! Emotions

Even when you are overall feeling on top of the world, like your life is balanced, and like you are the happiest you've ever been, one of "those" days can just sneak up on you and knock you to your knees.

I had one of those days yesterday.  Although I don't even know if that is the right way to put it because I personally didn't have a bad day.  Nothing happened to "knock ME to my knees".  True, I've been in pretty bad pain because of my back, which I have an MRI on tomorrow, and being in pain can really wear you down.  But I can not say I personally had a bad day yesterday.

I should have known though that it wouldn't be an ORDINARY day when I woke up to the feeling of Rizzoli on my belly gagging, getting ready to puke.  I quickly shooed her off me onto the floor.  She continued to gag but was looking over her shoulder at me like she was saying, "I can't believe you would move me at a time like this!"  She was completely disgusted with me.

She never did actually throw good cough and she was then meowing at me demanding her morning treats.

But this is the way my day started.

I got to work early because 1) that cat had woken me early and 2) I had a deadline to meet.  I always have deadlines to meet, but this one was different as it wasn't simply "End Of Day."  This one was by noon, on the first day back from a holiday weekend.  Ugh!  Oh!  Did I mention that I also have a team mate on vacation all week this week so I'm also helping cover his tasks (happy to do it)?  If I forgot to mention that, it is a contributing factor.

Then....I've been working steady for about 2 hours, making good progress and my cell phone rings.  It is Josh saying, "My car won't start."  WHAT?????  He has 15 minutes to get to work on time.  And now I have to go get him.  With a project due in 2 hours and 45 minutes!  And I haven't started the other daily stuff (from the holiday and today) that needs to be done before I can leave for the day.  Not that 2 hours into my shift was pushing it for not having starting daily tasks, but you get how where I'm going with this.

Obviously not Josh's fault and at this point as I'm driving home to get him I'm thinking, "You know.  This is not that bad.  True, this situation is making us lose some money that we don't really have to lose, but we still have a roof over our heads and this is not life or death."  I would say, "we still have our health" but to be quite honest, in some ways....well....did I mention that I'm having an MRI tomorrow?

I get back up to work and get back on track.  Was pretty easy to do so, but I was still 20ish minutes late turning in my project.  Again, I tell myself, "No biggie."  I'm not going to let my self get worked up and stressed over something I can't do anything about.  This is something new for me in the past year or two.  I can pretty much shrug off most anything I can't do anything about.


I get something to eat and then get started on my daily tasks.  I can feel myself wearing down and getting tired and to be honest a little weepy.  I hold it together because seriously, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.  I'm just feeling a little emotional.

Then, I see an article about an accident that happened over Labor Day weekend. A friend of a friend was killed in a motorcycle accident while traveling in Kentucky.  I knew this much when I came into work that morning.  Had learned about the accident the day before.  What I did not know until seeing this latest article was that the accident was caused by a 16 year-old running a stop sign.  A 16 year-old ran a stop sign, hit a man and women on a motorcycle, killing the man and putting the women in the hospital.  This man and an women have 2 grade school age boys.

Can you imagine?  16 years-old.  Life changed forever.  And the reason that a women and her two young boys have a forever changed life.  I don't know any of the people in this story other than that they are friends of a friend (actually friends of several friends).  But this just broke my heart. 

I told a co-worker about it and when I went back to my desk I really was on the verge of tears.  It was basically the end of my day so I headed out.  By the time I got to my car I was bawling and I bawled pretty much the whole way home.  Once the flood gates opened, they were open.  My family has a 16 year-old driver.  I can't imagine if this was her.  And that's all I could think.  What if....and it so easily could be.

I did stop crying for about 90 minutes until I had to go pick Josh up from work.  On the way home we stopped at the bank to check his balance considering he was going to have to make a decision on what he was going to do concerning his car.  He wanted to go inside so I dropped him off at the door and then went and parked.  While waiting I got on my Kindle and started looking at Facebook.

And then I saw it....

I have a friend named Dianne who I consider damn near a soul mate.  We met because of a passion for running, learned we both have passion for books (she is a retired librarian), and eventually we came to share a passion for tabby cats.  Dianne's love for her Augustus Happ is the only love that could rival my love for my Rizzoli.  We often trade stories and posts from our kitty cats. 

And when looking at my Facebook, sitting in my car, I see that she has had to make the decision to let Gus cross the Rainbow Bridge.  And my heart was broken AGAIN.  I immediately started crying, and by the time Josh got back into the car I was bawling.  Josh doesn't say anything at first and I start driving home.  Josh is totally confused because he hadn't known I had been crying at all and knows of no reason for such sadness.  He asks me if I'm okay and I say no.  I explain that I've been crying since I read about the motorcycle accident.  The thing about Gus is that I know that he is like Dianne's child, because Rizzoli is like mine.  There was a time when all I wanted was to be a mother.  Things just didn't work out that way and today I'm totally fine with that.  But having Rizzoli to baby takes care of ANY motherly, nurturing instinct that I had left.  Rizzoli is my baby, and Gus was Dianne's. 

When it comes down to it, I just really feel deep.  I get emotional over any extreme whether it be something extremely exciting and happy or something extremely sad.  It doesn't matter that I don't know the people.  I just feel.  And once I start, we just have to live through it. 

Today was much better.  I had several people reach out to me in the nicest ways and while I was already feeling better, yesterday and today were just reminders that even when life is balanced and going great, we will have bad days.  They will come and go and it does not change the direction of your life.  Life is still awesome and there is so much to be happy about. 

But I have to admit, I will really be happy when this week is over and things get back to normal next week.  ;o)

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